There is no question that motherhood can be isolating. We have babies, and our lives are immediately turned upside down. Suddenly tasks like cleaning up the dishes or doing a load of laundry seem daunting. We juggle so many balls at once – kids, spouses, jobs, housework – that we don’t have much time for ourselves. Often, our friends are the ones who help us sort through the challenges we face. But what happens when something in our lives isolates us from our friends? Transitioning from the work force into full-time motherhood can remove the common ground we once shared with people at the office. Divorce or the end of a close relationship can cause mutual friends to drift away. Moving to a new town physically separated me from my network of friends. I know firsthand how the loss of important social connections can magnify the stress of motherhood dramatically.
The obvious solution is to make new friends and build a support network – fast! Unfortunately, many adults find that the process of making friends doesn’t come quite as easily as it did when they were children.
Luckily, as mothers, we have built-in networkers literally at our fingertips. Those hands we hold as we walk across the parking lot may be grubby, but they are great at reaching out to others who can plug us into the world again.
If you’re feeling a bit isolated as a mom, it’s time to get out there and let your children help you build your social network! Here are some great ways to meet new people:
Get out of the house!
It’s tempting to stay inside and attempt to get all of the work done that you need to every day, but it’s really important to get out of the house and go to places where you might find people you can talk to. It’s too cold to play outside most places right now, but find indoor opportunities for your kids and guaranteed there will be other moms there, too! The library is a great place to spend some time with your kids for free, and find other moms doing the same. Many have story times with kids just your age! Or go to the mall. Many have indoor playgrounds for the kids and I’ve spent many pleasant afternoons chatting with other moms as we watched our kids play. Be creative and come up with things for your kids to do. Chances are, other moms will be watching their kids and you can strike up a coversation with them about common ground. You probably won’t meet a best friend every time you do this, but I find any grown-up conversation is a good thing, especially when the kids are engaged, too!
It gets even easier when the warm, sunny weather arrives! That’s the perfect time to get out there and make new friends! You may have that new swing set or sandbox in your backyard, but if you want to meet new people, you’re going to have to venture out. Find out where the public parks are in your community and bring along a big tub of sidewalk chalk or balls to throw. I have found that anything out of the ordinary will instantly attract attention. If you pack some healthy snacks to share, it becomes a built-in conversation starter. The kids will flock to you to ask if they can have some, and you, of course, will have to ask their caregiver if it’s okay. Once the ice is broken, it’s easy to introduce yourself and begin a casual conversation.
Another idea is to find a community pool, pack your pool toys, and go play for a day. If you have young children, the moms you want to meet are guaranteed to be hanging out by the baby pool! When we moved, I spent almost every afternoon at the pool in our development. I made up games to play in the pool for my own kids and before I knew it, most of the other kids wanted to join in. The other moms noticed me and realized that I was new to the neighborhood. Since it’s only natural to want to get to know someone who takes an interest in your children, it became an easy way to “break in” to the circle that existed. Once connections are made, you can form a play group that meets once or twice a week with the people you and your children like the most.
Let the games begin!
There are so many great activities for kids these days, and it’s a perfect opportunity to build your mommy network. Many swimming or gymnastics programs accept children as young as three-months-old with parent participation. After we moved, the first thing I did was find a gymnastics program for my two-year-old daughter. On the first day, I met a mom who had an older child at my son’s preschool. Even though I saw her every day while picking up my son, I really got to know her by spending an hour a week with her at gymnastics. Our older children formed a stronger bond at school because their younger siblings were friends. Before I knew it, we were scheduling regular play dates!
Older children have a wide variety of options including soccer, tee ball, dance, and music. Most townships or communities offer these types of activities. The spring after we moved, my son signed up for tee ball. The league created the teams based on where the children lived, and even though we had never met him before, one of the kids on the team actually lived in our neighborhood! We spent many hours watching games and conversing on the sidelines with our neighbors. Within a few weeks, the kids were asking to play at each other’s houses and we were inviting the whole family over for parties in the back yard. If you are unfamiliar with activity options in your area, here are some websites to get you started:
Finally, if all else fails, you can…
Join the club!
Many people recognize how isolating motherhood can be. To combat this, clubs have been created to help moms connect and support each other. Often, children participate in a play group while their mothers meet to discuss the myriad challenges we face. Although I have never personally joined one of these clubs, I know other people who have found them to be a wonderful way to make new friends. There are also many ways to connect with local moms online. Here are some examples to get you started:
Perhaps you have tried these strategies and have met many interesting people, but you still haven’t created true friendships. Often, relationships begin and never move past the superficial acquaintance stage. Here are some easy ways to take your existing mommy relationships to the next level:
Pay a compliment. There isn’t a person alive who doesn’t enjoy hearing a compliment about herself or her children. If there is something you truly admire about someone, tell her about it! I have broken the ice with many people simply by asking who cuts their hair or where they got their cute shoes. I have also learned a lot of great parenting techniques by complimenting a child’s listening skills or potty training success.
Ask for referrals. I have moved twice since having children, and there is no better way to find service providers than by asking other moms. They tell it like it is, and you can get to know a person pretty well just by asking them who they use, and why! People love to talk about the choices they make – whether it’s the person who fixed their toilet or the person who operated on their child. These choices will tell you a lot about whether you and the other mom are destined for a closer friendship.
Host play dates at your home. If you want to get to know a mom better, invite her and her child to your home for an individual play date. The more intimate setting allows for deeper conversation, and gives friendship a chance to blossom.
Ask questions! The best way to get to know someone is to show interest in who she is as a person, not just as a mom. Great conversation starters include asking how she met her significant other, where she grew up, where she went to school, what she did before motherhood, and of course, her birth story. Most people love talking about themselves, and will naturally want to know the same things about you!
Turn your play group into a girl’s night out group. In order to truly make a friend, you have to get to know someone when she is not in “mommy mode”. An easy way to do this is to suggest a girls’ night out to other moms in your play group or activity circle. If a night out isn’t your thing, form a book club, get manicures, meet at a coffee shop or find another way to interact on a regular basis without children. Often, just one event like this can take relationships to a whole new level.
Remember, motherhood is only as isolating as we allow it to be! Using our children’s natural friend-making ability can help us moms significantly expand our social network. This can be a great way to rediscover your true self, the self that has value not just as a mother, but as a friend.
How have you met some of your best mommy friends?