Children don't always have the words to tell us what they're feeling. Sometimes I could guess what's going on when they've been angry or sad or happy, but it's not always so obvious. Are there ways to engage them in artwork or games to help them express their feelings in a way that makes them feel better and helps us understand?
--Diana
Early childhood is full of it's up's and down's especially when it comes to your preschooler's emotions. It's developmentally appropriate for children to have strong emotions, but unfortunately, young children often lack the vocabulary and social skills needed to be able to express their feelings appropriately. Tears and frustration often give way temper tantrums, while bouts of happiness are suddenly followed by anger or isolation. This often leaves parents “guessing” about what's actually going on in the mind of their preschooler.
Yet while parents many not initially be able to understand the intensity or root of our child's emotions, it's important to try to help our children work through their feelings and learn how to communicate them effectively. Our task as parents then becomes one of a 'super sleuth' - trying to figure out how our child is feeling and why she is feeling it. Without the words to communicate with us, children are left with only one choice to let us know how they really feel - their behavior.
Dramatic changes in your child's behavior are usually the first clue that something is going on. Changes can be positive or negative and are extremely helpful in determining how your child is feeling. But observing behavioral changes is not the only way to understand your child's emotions. Play behavior and your child's art work can provide you with important opportunities to engage your child and help get to the root of her emotions.
It's equally important for parents to communicate, listen, and help their children understand that it's normal to have so many different feelings and responses. Learning how to talk about and demonstrate their emotions appropriately is also important for a child's social development. Often, children are just as confused and surprised about their emotions as their parents. Try the following activities to help your child explore her feelings and feel comfortable expressing them. These activities will also provide you with additional insight into how your child thinks and processes emotions as well as how she responds to them.
- Picture it (for children under age 3). Babies and toddlers do not have the words to express how they feel. Every time your child feels an emotion, show her a picture that corresponds to that feeling and describe it to her (picture books are great for this). You will find that your child will eventually learn to point at the picture that shows how she is feeling.
- For preschoolers, make a collage together of different pictures cut from magazines using a variety of facial expressions. Notice which feelings your child is able to identify and ask her if she's ever felt that way.
- Use Artwork as Guidance. Art can be very therapeutic for parents and children. I’ve used art in my own therapy sessions with young clients to help them express their emotions with great success. Art as a medium helps children release their emotions in a calm, non-threatening environment. Art is a wonderful form of expression and children tend to gravitate toward their true feelings when they express them on paper. Parents use art too as a way to better understand their child’s emotional state.
- Color. The use of dark colors like black, and grey can suggest that your child is sad or upset. Yellows and other bright typically symbolize happiness. And blue represents contentment. Though color can be an important indicator of a child’s emotions, parents should not overreact or worry endlessly if their child uses lots of black or red (anger) in their artwork. Instead, take the opportunity to talk with your child about why he or she chose that particular color. It may just be their favorite color or they may have used it for a different reason. Take into consideration too ethnicity and culture. For example, in Asia, the color white is considered a sad color whereas in American culture white represents ‘purity’ and innocence.
- Symbolic Gestures. Look for ways your child is connecting to the world around her. If your child has people in her drawing, how is she relating to them? Is she holding hands with someone or is she alone and isolated in her drawing? Has your daughter included her favorite toy in the picture or added an unfamiliar object like an angel (often children who have experienced death draw angels or monsters to symbolize how they feel about their loved one being gone).
- How your preschooler interacts with her artwork. If your child chooses crayons, is she overly concerned with keeping her color "within the lines" of her drawing or does she feel free to draw whatever she likes regardless of whether or not she 'messes up?' A child who insists on keeping her drawing in the lines or constantly crumples up her paper every time she makes a mistake may be experiencing anxiety. It’s also interesting to note how your child interacts with you while she works on her project. Does she give-up easily if she can't figure out how to draw something or ask for your help? All of these can be good indicators as to how she is feeling emotionally.
- Talk with your child about what she’s drawn or created. Sometimes children are able to identify and draw exactly how they feel. Your child might draw a sunny rainbow with purple trees. Ask her questions. Initially the drawing may look happy and cheerful, but the purple trees might symbolize doubt or just a way for her to add her favorite color. By engaging with your child and exploring the artwork together, you can learn a lot about not only her feelings, but also her likes and dislikes. This type of time spent together also reinforces your commitment and love for your child which can serve to calm and relieve your child of any worries or anxiety.
All of these strategies can help parents have a greater understanding of their child's mood, but it's important that they not be always taken literally. Each child develops differently so something that seems inappropriate or out of character for one child may not be so for another. A good general rule of thumb is for parents to seek professional help for their child if her behavior or emotions begin to get out of control. By working together with your child, she will feel more comfortable expressing her emotions and you will feel more confident as a parent in how you handle them.
Sometimes a picture is worth a thousand words, I guess! How do you get your kids to talk about what they’re feeling? Or even figure out what they’re feeling?