I’ve noticed that the more sternly I speak to my kids, the more distraught they get. If they’ve done something serious, like running into the street without looking, and I let them know how upset I am at what they’ve done, they break down in tears, sobbing. I end up apologizing to them for yelling because I don’t want them to be hurt, but I feel like I’m undermining the seriousness of their actions by talking about mine instead of theirs. How do I make sure they get the point about right and wrong while taking their feelings into account?
-Diana
From KidsHealth:
As the saying goes, “Desperate times call for desperate measures.” When your child’s safety is at risk — whether he’s run into the street, reached for an open flame, or gotten dangerously close to a pool — yelling, screaming, or crying out is a perfectly normal (and necessary!) response. After all, at that moment, you would do anything possible to get your child’s attention and get him out of harm’s way.
After an episode like this, it’s natural for kids to cry. But your child may be crying because of the fear in your voice and the urgency of your actions, not because you’ve been “too stern.” At times like these, it’s OK to comfort your child without apologizing for your actions. Give your child a hug and say something like, “I know you’re upset. But what you did was dangerous and I was scared that you were going to get hurt. You must never do that again.” Punishing kids after an event like this is usually not necessary, since they’ve probably learned their lesson.
On the other hand, there are times when being too stern — like yelling regularly for minor offences — can backfire. Kids can become immune to parents’ overblown reactions and fail to take them seriously. If you feel yourself getting into this habit, take a deep breath before responding to your child’s behavior and ask yourself, “Am I about to overreact?” Avoid putting yourself in a position where you might have to apologize later.
In general, when it comes to disciplining kids, it’s best to speak with a low, firm voice. And always follow up negative behavior with a natural consequence. That means if your child has thrown a toy on the ground, ask him to pick it up. If he’s taken something from his sibling, ask him to return it. If he chooses not to follow through, an age-appropriate time-out (or other discipline measure) is necessary. But always ignore any tearful pleas and wait until your child has calmed down before doling out punishments.
Finally, follow through with promises and stick to your own rules. Consistency is the key to effective discipline; giving into your child’s tears may inadvertently reinforce negative behavior.
Related KidsHealth articles:
Disciplining Your Toddler
http://kidshealth.org/parent/positive/talk/toddler_tantrums.html
Disciplining Your Child
http://www.sproutforparents.com/sprout/parentsplace/article_detail.aspx?id=bdad1f5f-3f23-47b6-b93b-9a5d0187a4cf
How Can I Discipline My Child Without Spanking?
http://kidshealth.org/parent/question/parenting/spanking.html
Temper Tantrums
http://www.sproutforparents.com/sprout/parentsplace/article_detail.aspx?id=7dbb5bdc-050a-45bd-b163-9a5d0187a1f9
These are all really helpful tips to follow. How do your children react when you try to discipline them?